Life with Infertility

I have a new blog, I'm not going to write on this one anymore! Visit me here!

Posted by AFC at 1:23 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It has been entirely too long since I've sat down to post! Well actually, I have sat down to post but blogger was being really slow about it and I usually don't have enough time (due to privacy issues) to really write my heart out. So much has happened in such a short amount of time, I feel I have grown mountains since I've last written so I don't even know where to begin. For starters, the Mr and I are not back together, I am still in MS and my mom and I have rekindled some of what was lost. I've had some really low times here in the magnolia state but I've also really enjoyed getting to know many of my aunts and cousins better but I've been doing quite a bit of praying in my time here and feel I am being led back to Florida. I don't know when I will actually leave but I'm pretty sure my departure is inevitable. I am going to do my best to start writing more often mostly to keep from feeling so overwhelmed when I actually do sit to write that nothing ends up coming out. I've got so many funny stories and life lessons I would love to write about...in time!

Posted by AFC at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Where to begin this post? I have so much to say, so many lessons learned, enough pain to go around, yet when I sit to write at this moment the words don't flow. I will say it is quite rough living with my dad and step mom. They tend to treat me like I'm a child, I sometimes feel like they are trying to punish me, they don't look at me like I'm a real adult. I feel unsafe, somewhat unwelcome and always uneasy no matter where I am because I am never in a place that I made comfortable for myself. Depending on others is no easy feat for me, I moved out of the home of any parents at the ripe age of 16, I'm quite dependent so being forced to depend on others sucks. My cousin Allison has been truly amazing, I've spent more time with her than anyone else, I really don't know what I would do without her. After Christmas I plan on finding a job here in Mississippi and getting my own apartment. I will feel so much better when I'm able to stand on my own two feet and it is when that happens that I feel like I will truly be able to see a future for myself without him.

Labels: Finding Peace, The D Word

Posted by AFC at 6:03 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm here in Mississippi now...I got here Monday afternoon. I'm sitting here at nearly 1:30am tired as anything but still, I can't sleep. I do pretty good throughout the day without him but the nights are so lonely. I'm used to being spooned and rubbed and I miss that feeling of security and just knowing that I'm everything to someone. I try to keep myself preoccupied during the day to keep my mind off things, bedtime is my nightmare. I know I just said that in so many other words but I can't even describe the deep sense of loneliness I'm feeling right now, it was the same sense I felt last night, my first night away.

Posted by AFC at 11:20 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm leaving this weekend for the great state of Mississippi. Until now I haven't been angry, I've been sad, hurt and hopeful. The tide turned last night and now I'm angry, when he and I are both angry it can make for a violent outcome and instead of making it any worse I'm going to bow out gracefully. My greatest wish (and prayer) is that he would realize what a complete and utter jackass he is and beg me to come home at some point, but until then I must muster up the courage to leave because staying in this situation is killing every part of my spirit. You know, any parts that I actually have left after my 3 years of infertility woes. I cried so hard last night I swear I didn't breathe for minutes at a time, so much snot came out of my nose I thought I may have some sort of chronic disease but I guess thats to be expected and I shouldn't feel weak for crying. This man has taken almost everything from me, he has taken my confidnce and crushed it, my naivity and innocence and spit on it, but he can't take anymore. He may get quite a few more tears and snotballs out of me but he can't take my faith or perserverance. I love him, no matter how INCREDIBLY WRONG he is, I do, I can't just stop.

Labels: Finding Peace, The D Word

Posted by AFC at 7:48 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Today has flat sucked. For the past few weeks I've done a pretty good job at keeping my emotional state under wraps but today, today I just feel like I've exploded. Or like I'm going to explode. I almost had a nervous break down at work, at one point I had a woman on the phone who spoke horrible english and I was having the worst time understanding her. Usually I'm very patient and polite despite my lack of understanding but in that moment I just wanted to blow up on her and tell her she should've learned to speak english before she came to America. And then I went outside to have a quick cry. Usually I'm okay, I act happy and don't really show my pain to anyone but I'm finding it so hard to hide now. I hate when people see me cry, I hate for people to hear me cry, it makes me vulnerable and it makes me look like I haven't got my life together. I'm just so freakin scared. I'm going to Mississippi. I'm leaving my life. I'm leaving my best friend, my husband. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I get there. I sleep all the time, there's been a clean load of laundry on the couch for days because I haven't got even the smallest desire to fold them. The floors haven't been vaccumed in what seems likes years, with the dust thats building up everywhere you'd think the house had been vacant for months. I just can't do it, its enough for me just to get a shower and get to work on time everyday. I'm depressed. The counselor I saw last week gave me a sheet with different things on there to check if I was experiencing it, such as loneliness, withdrawing from others and so on and based on the things I checked he told me he thinks I may be a little depressed. I gave a nervous laugh when he told me that but now I believe him. I thought I was handling this so well, I really did. But I'm not. I'm dying inside. My heart is in a million pieces. Maybe I'll post about happier things next time, although I don't see anything happy happening for me anytime soon.

Labels: Bad Days, The D Word

Posted by AFC at 6:53 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

One day a 6 year old was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" 2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

Labels: Things I Love

Posted by AFC at 2:05 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep a million things raced through my head that I could have blogged about, perhaps I should have gotten up at that moment and written because today I'm blank. Things are progressing around here. I'm learning to be more of a silent wife, to not have something to say about everything, to not be bossy and controlling. There are some good changes going on but still, a separation is in the works. I have learned so many valuable things these past couple of weeks, not only about myself, but about the mechanics of a marriage and a man. I went to my very first Christian marriage counseling session yesterday (alone) and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mostly went upon the urging of an old Sunday school teacher, but the session really did end up being a blessing. We discussed things that I can't recall verbatim but I learned things that I know I will carry with me forever. When I told the counselor, who I share the same last night with that I had read the book "How To Save Your Marriage Alone" he seemed thoroughly impressed with me and when I told him that some people believe my husband is carrying on an affair he looked me dead in my eyes and said, "well first of all, he would be crazy to cheat on you...". That made me feel good, maybe even a little pretty. Sure, he's probably trained to say things to make people feel good about themselves, but still.

And for a side note, because I know you are dying to know, after two weeks of abstinence the past two night have been great, and the greatest thing of all, he was the initiator!!!

Labels: Finding Peace, The D Word

Posted by AFC at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post